I'm in that moment of returning
It's never easy to come back after 5 days away in rural Canada, in the company of a community committed to scholarship and wondering with a man who has committed himself to eldership, culture, grief, community, and flirts with making sense of the times (as in all of the times) we are living in.
I am, as they say at the Orphan Wisdom School, wrecked on schedule-- with not much desire to speak out loud as all of the words spoken outloud and within settle in.
But since I have, afterall, reached out to you on this day~ I will share this.
It wasn't discussed, explored, or wondered about, but for me...the worst of the most unimaginable thought form entered my mind and now that I have it in my grip...I'm wondering out loud about it's unwelcome arrival.
I was walking through a field...watching the tall grass waved by the wind as it fondled them so, taking in the generous scent of the Indian Paint Brush, in a state of awe of how blue the sky was, how vibrant the green of the trees was...how almost unbearably beautiful everyone was against this backdrop...
...and this is when it happened.
...and I'll never be able to take this experience back....
...and you see this is why I am so devastated today.
For a moment,
the part of me that had been tamed by the cities,
the part of me that had allowed for white and polluted skies to become normal,
the part of me that has gotten used to living among starving and famished trees and grasses,
allowed this thought to make it's way past the guarded gates.
Here's the thought:
All of this beauty...
For all the time I have spent in the wilds...I didn't think this could ever be possible, (not to me at least).
That my mind would on its own accord create a calculation based on the number of times I had seen this and that, and then present me with an equation that would make me question which state of environmental health and wellness has a more valid place on the planet.
Something announced that no matter how hard I have attempted to escape the consequences of our times...no matter how many times I have run to the edge of the earth and placed myself at her shores for months and sometimes years at a time, there is no where to run.
No place is safe from what is happening.
And as my plane descended into Toronto, it was impossible to ignore all of the houses with pools painted blue, mimicking the ocean they might not have realized they were trying to remember they missed, while just a stones throw away, lived their neighbor, the river, appearing ignored as she shriveled in her loneliness.
It would appear I have finally come to terms with what it means to be in a long term long distance love affair. But it has been going on for so long...the quick thrill of being reunited can no longer hide that relationships aren't built in fragments scheduled here and there, but over time and by weathering the storms of many seasons.
May the stories that come to you be gentle and kind,
and may the old stories that are ready to be laid to rest do so with ease and grace,
and may the ones still aching to be heard because they have a gift worthy of giving find generous ears to receive them.
all the best,